Every now and then, I get comments that make me grind my teeth really hard. Here are some that made it to my list of the most inappropriate comments that should be avoided when talking to a mom:
1. “Your house is such a mess!”
Tell this to a mom of a newborn and you’ll be amazed with how fast you could cause a meltdown with merely six words.
To all expectant mothers: Limit your guests during the first weeks after the delivery to close relatives who could (and are willing to) help out. This will give you time to settle into your new routine.
To guests: Be sensitive – at all times.
2. “For heaven’s sake, give your child a bottle!”
A few weeks ago, while standing in line at a cash register in Costco, I heard one of the staff scream at a mom (carrying her baby on a sling in one hand and her toddler in the other hand while trying to get money from her purse) because her little baby has been crying non-stop for (maybe) five minutes. The Costco employee lost it – she shouted at the mom: “For heaven’s sake, give your child a bottle!”. I felt sorry for the mom who just looked down while gently patting her baby’s back. If I were in that mom’s shoes, I’d give the lady a fake smile while silently performing some wicked spells on her.
3. “Stop spoiling your child!”
Give this “advice” to a mom who is trying to talk to her kid in a low and calm voice during her kid’s screaming fit. If you’re lucky, you might only get a stare down but on a bad day, you could get yourself into a lot of trouble. Never get too close to a frustrated mom.
Remember that different parenting strategies work for different children. The majority of parents I know (including myself) are struggling to find out the most appropriate approach for their children. Telling us how we should do it in a know-it-all tone would just make matters worse.
4. “Bad hair day, huh?”
I was in hibernation mode during Phoebe’s first year. I never left the house unless it was a matter of life and death. For me, nothing could be that important to go through the 2-hour ordeal of dressing up and preparing the diaper bag. But there are times where we really had to go out of the house. It took so much time and energy to get everything done. And the last thing on my mind was to look at myself in the mirror. So when a neighbor once asked me if I was having a bad hair day (in her failed attempt to sound funny), I wanted to pull out every single strand of her ugly, badly colored hair (no, I’m not that bitter anymore).
5. “How far along are you?”
I don’t know how celebrities do it but I still haven’t lost my baby belly. But I do exert some effort to lose weight – I bought dumbbells, run a few minutes on the cross trainer every now and then and do some situps. But the stubborn side flaps in my tummy area would just not go away! It’s frustrating!
So if you’re not that sure if a woman is pregnant or not – don’t dare ask at all. Please. For world peace’s sake.
6. “So this is what you do the whole day?”
Every parent would know how much time and energy go into taking care of a small child. I didn’t know that I would have the drive to play tea party for hours, the enthusiasm to read “The Gingerbread Boy” at least three times a day or sing the “Wheels on the Bus” even when I’m still half asleep.
When someone asked me if all I do the whole day is take care of Phoebe, I felt insulted. But then I realized, not everyone has had the opportunity to experience the parenting challenges firsthand so I let it pass. Being a parent is like climbing Mt. Everest – you’d never know how it feels to be on top unless you go through the steep and rough road yourself.
Now I know that bad karma really exists. I used to think differently about other parents – blamed them for not raising a well-behaved child, having a cluttered house or being dressed as if they just jumped out of bed. I was insensitive and ignorant. But now I know better (I think).
Feel free to share about comments that made your blood reach its boiling point. Add to my list in the comments section below.
Photo by teotwawki http://www.flickr.com/photos/teotwawki/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
ganda naman ng blog mo weng!!!!galing-galing mo!!
danke, cathy!
sobra akong enjoy sa pagsulat kaya nakakatuwa pag may nakakabasa talaga. hehe… ingat!
Yes, I can relate to the “When is your baby due?” – said to me at a restaurant a week AFTER I had my son. Embarrassing for both of us!
Jamie
Jamie, it happened to me twice. Can’t put the blame on others, though because of those awfully cute maternity blouses I still wear once in a while!
Rowena
When my first child was about 2 months old, and I was still in the middle of major sleep deprivation (read: near the end of my rope), my (child-free) brother and sister came over for dinner. The group was me, my husband, my mom, my sister, and my brother.
Somehow, over the course of conversation, it came up that I rarely got out of my pajamas before 11 am, and I rarely brushed my teeth before lunch. I was not bragging about this…I was trying to explain a little about the difficulties of being a (new) mom.
“Pfft!” said my younger, child-free sister. “I wish I could just wake up and wear pajamas all day!” My husband and my brother laughed, nodding their heads in agreement.
I could barely speak, but I was so close to crying…to losing it! Only my mom (who had had 4 kids) understood.
Anything said to a mom ~implying her job is so easy~ is a bad idea.
ay kapikon talaga yang #5! ako rin mismo napagkamalan nang preggo after i give birth, and gosh! nakakapikon pala talaga no?! lalo pa’t may postpartum depression ka pa and all!
true, each kid is unique and what works for him/her may not work for others. but i am happy to try others’ suggestions, kahit pa unsolicited pa, kasi malay mo it would also work for joel. ang ayoko lang ay yung know-it-all tone from someone as if their method is THE ONLY way. hindi ko sila nanay =)
hay, correct ka dyan! nakakainis yung mga nagmamarunong! di nila alam na nakakahurt na sila ng feelings! tama ka, di naman minsan yung advice ang pang-asar eh, yung pagdeliver nila.
Kirwin, thanks for dropping by!
I love reading your blog! I love the way you write and how you always bring out the good in every situation!
And I can’t agree with you more – I get very upset if people don’t even try to understand how exhausting (physically and emotionally) it is to take care of a small child. Now that I’ve become very sensitive about it, I silently hope I was not that insensitive when I was still childless.