How Praising Can Be Bad for Your Child

First time parents including myself tend to overdo a lot of things. We’ve been “taught” by other parents, relatives and friends to constantly give words of praise to our children. But can praising be bad for our children too?

Yes, if done incorrectly.

Here are some things you might want to think of  before eagerly expressing your approval to your little one:

1. Never hype it up.

Overpraising (applause, loud verbal praising) might work for young toddlers (12 months to 18 months) but not for older toddlers. Older children (3 years onwards) might even feel ridiculed if parents make such a big deal out of everything they do.

Now that Phoebe is almost 2, I noticed that she appreciates other gestures more – receiving stickers, getting a hand stamp or just a simple nod and smile. Too much hype on praising could result with your child not trusting compliments or needing constant acknowledgment to feel happy and self worthy.

2. Be specific

Focus on what your child has accomplished – “Thanks for cleaning up your toys, that was very nice of you!” instead of just saying “You are the best!”. The first one emphasized the behavior you liked. The second one is just too vague and if repeated frequently, it might lose its impact on the child.

3. Acknowledge every effort

Our children need to feel that although they don’t get the result they wanted right away, their efforts are being appreciated. Phoebe is still having a hard time fitting puzzle pieces into the puzzle board. To encourage her, I would always say, “Good try, finding the “M” in the puzzle! That was very clever!”. It seems to be working. She would look at me with proud eyes and move on to the next letter.

4. Never give praise then take it back

“It’s good that you picked up the puzzle pieces. But you should have done that earlier so you could go to bed on time!” This kind of acknowledgment gives children the feeling that a “but” will always follow after each compliment. It could be hard for them to feel appreciated. They would never know if someone truly approves of their behavior.

This is not the end of the list. Again, every child is different and moms are getting more and more creative when it comes to praising their children. Share what you know and what has worked for you and your child.

How do you give compliments to your child?