The Last Lecture

Last Christmas, my husband and I decided not to give each other anything spectacular to save up money for Phoebe’s tuition this coming school year. So, a few days before the big day, Phoebe and I marched to the nearest Barnes and Noble to get a copy of the book, my husband has been raving about for the last couple of weeks – the Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. Christian loves to watch lectures, speeches, online lessons on the internet. I don’t. I always think people who “teach” online are a bunch of wannabes who cannot sell their material to any publisher. No one and absolutely no one has ever sparked my interest to sit in front of my laptop and watch someone lecture me about God and the world. I’d rather watch my favorite episode of Glee or even the most annoying season of the Bachelorette. But out of respect, I gave in to my husband’s request and watched a few seconds of the Last Lecture on Youtube. Yes, it was interesting but I still have this notion at the back of my head that this person might just be making this all up. No one will ever know. Even I could give an “outstanding lecture” by memorizing some lines out of a book and posting my video on Youtube. But then, out of boredom, I grabbed the book from our mini library and started to read the first few pages. I smiled here and there and even laughed to my surprise. Then I found myself being hooked. My husband was right – the book is good. It has short chapters (which is a big plus for me) and summarizes in two lines the gist of the entire chapter.

Not Your Typical I’m-Dying-So-Have-Pity-On-Me-Drama

If you are looking for something depressing and full of deathbed drama, you’ll be disappointed with this book. But if you are someone like me who needs a little push to get what you want, then this book is perfect. It is true that there are a gazillion books out there which “teach” us about life lessons but this one’s different – it will make you want to be a better person – more efficient, patient, confident and appreciative.

What do I love most about the book?

The energy of the author, his sincerity and sense of humor. You rarely get all three combined in one writer. The result? One inspiring read.

Walking the Talk

One important lesson I learned after reading the Last Lecture, is that life is too short to complain about anything.  We should enjoy life as it comes and be happy everyday.  I know that trying to be happy every single day is like telling a 2-year old toddler never to throw tantrums in public -  it rarely works.  It’s difficult but we can always try. And that’s what I’ve decided to do – I will be doing a series of blog entries where I share about my own life experiences that relate to what Randy has been telling us through his book. It could be a long and winding journey but I will never reach the goal if I don’t take the first step.

And yes, my husband cheated.  He broke the nothing-spectacular-for Christmas-rule.  He gave me a new laptop and I felt bad for giving him a book which is as small as my notepad.  But after reading the book, it turned out, the book has much more to it than I first thought – it made us rethink our way of living and that’s more valuable than any other gadget.

Raising kids can be very stressful.  It can take a toll on your health, relationship and overall well-being.  Just yesterday, I ranted on Facebook with two of my closest friends about how little time is left to ourselves.  I have to admit, I sometimes secretly wish that Phoebe would sleep at least four hours a day so I can finally catch up on the Glee episodes that I missed.

On my way home today, out of nowhere, there are some questions that popped in my mind.  They made me think really hard.  Who is causing this much stress in my life?  Who says that I need to sign up Phoebe in ballet, music, storytelling and gym class?  Who says that our apartment has to be spic and span 24/7?  Who says that clean clothes have to be ironed within a week?  Who says that I can’t read my book or take a nap amidst the mess in the house?  Who says that I need to fold the laundry while watching 24?  Who says that I need to impress our guests with a clean house and delicious home cooked dinner every time they come over?  Who says that I need to do everything before the clock strikes three (and Phoebe wakes up from her nap)?

No one.

No one but me.

Truth is, there is no deadline for all those chores!  It would not be the end of the world if we wouldn’t change the sheets right away after an accident.  Kids don’t really care if they’re stepping on cereal crumbs or rice bits while playing.  Also, no one will ever notice that we very rarely iron our children’s clothes (and if we do, it would only be the visible parts).  And it’s ok for the children to get sick – everyone does once in a while, even adults.  Most importantly, we should try not to do more than we can.  We need not impress anyone – not our friends, parent or parents in law.  Here’s what I know for sure – Phoebe would benefit more from a happy mom than a sterile house.

I’d love to hear about your own dilemmas and realizations as a parent.  Share them in the comments section below.

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When I woke up this morning, I knew that the dreaded day has come. Looking at my cellphone beside my pillow, I saw nine missed calls from my Dad. At that moment, I knew what happened – my grandmother died. I found out she died in my Dad’s arms. How odd, I thought to myself. Really strange.

They were not close. Nope, not at all. No birthday cards, no Christmas packages, no phone calls all these years. But yet, hearing my Dad talk on the phone, made my heart melt with guilt. I thought wrongly about my grandmother. My Dad loved her inspite of her imperfection. Why can’t I?

She was not the perfect mom. Neither was she the perfect grandmother. But she raised perfect children and gave me the perfect father. That’s all that matters to us. There has never been too much public display of affection in their family but who cares? Who needs the drama? Who needs empty well-wishes?

She has been the unsung hero of the family. She had a bumpy start in her life as a mom but she never quit. She brought her entire family the opportunity of a lifetime – a new start in life.  She opened our door to the land of opportunities and for that, we will be forever thankful to her.

Nope, she was not perfect but she never forgot. She’s always been there. With or without greeting cards, one thing I know for sure – moms NEVER forget.

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As promised in my previous post, below are some tips on how you can avoid the morning drama at school.  Try them and share your experiences in the comments section below.

1. Security Cloak

Bring your child’s favorite stuffed toy that she can cuddle with during nap time. Although Phoebe never used a “security” blanket/toy, I was told that it really helped her fall asleep on her first 2 days.

2. Be Open

A week before Phoebe’s first day, my husband and I attended our first parents-teachers meeting. I got everything ready – camera, Phoebe dressed up in a cute little dress for my Facebook pictures and yes, a list – a list of all my questions, concerns, requests and endless reminders to the teachers. It was not easy to talk about my little angel’s tantrum fits, screaming episodes and acting jobs but I knew I had to blurt it out in the open. The more information the teachers would get from me, the better they would be able to handle Phoebe. To make me feel comfortable, the teachers reminded me that every child has had his own “moments” in class. They’d be surprised if the transition would be too easy for Phoebe.

3. Back up

Phoebe went on hunger strike in her first week of class. So the following week, I prepared her lunch and packed “back-up” food in her lunch box. I bought everything she loves eating – chicken nuggets, yoghurt, animal crackers, apple juice (in Elmo juice boxes) and brought them to school as part of the contingency plan. It worked. Well, she ended up eating ONLY her back-up food (as expected) but at least she didn’t have an empty stomach while playing. After a few more days of back-up food, she eventually started eating her lunch in tiny bits and that made me one happy mommy.

4. Know When to Leave

Phoebe’s first day was horrible. I felt bad because she did not have a clue of what’s going to happen. After taking tons of pictures of her first snack, first meal with her classmates, I knew I had to go soon. But I didn’t. I waited until they went out to the outdoor playground. In hindsight, I think staying that long was not necessary. I thought Phoebe would have a hard time parting from me but it was actually the other way around – it was more difficult for me. I did not leave after 10 minutes (as discussed with the teachers) because I couldn’t.  I was told that Phoebe stopped crying after a few minutes while I was still in the parking lot crying my heart out for 30 minutes. We, parents, need to know when to leave and let go. Believe it or not, it would be easier for our children too.

5. Talk Talk Talk

We, parents sometimes underestimate the capacity of our children to understand. Thinking back, I wish I talked to Phoebe more about school. Children may not understand each word we say but they have a very keen ability to know and feel what’s going on around them. It might or might not help her adjust but it is better than not to try at all. Even as an adult, I would hate it if someone would just drag me to an event without any explanation.

6. Be quick

Long and dramatic goodbyes would never work. It would just make matters worse. A quick kiss, wave of hand and “goodbye and have fun” may not be what many parents (like myself) would want to do but it is the more effective way to say goodbye to your child. It will not be easy but that’s how we can send them the right signal – that being without mom or dad for a few hours is not as bad as they think. Long goodbyes would make them feel more anxious and confused. Casual goodbyes work best.

Sometimes A lot of times, it’s the little things that make a huge difference in our children’s lives.

What worked for you and your child? Share your experiences in the comments section below.

August 4, 2009 – Phoebe’s big day. It was her first day in a group care after being solely with me for almost two years. A few months ago, I made a list of the things I’ve been dying to do if I’d be blessed with more alone time. I couldn’t wait to drop her off, wave goodbye and rush back home to the books and DVDs that have been untouched for quite some time. Yes, I was silently counting the days to my “freedom”.

Weeks passed and to my surprise, the excitement slowly wore off. I started to feel it – the anxiety, guilt and self-doubt.

Are we really doing the right thing?

Then came the dreaded day. Phoebe was in good spirits. She ran around the house humming her favorite nursery songs, not knowing what lies ahead of her. It made me feel worse. My heart melted of guilt.

Are we really doing the right thing?

When it was time to leave her, I braced myself for the worst – screams, tantrums, wails. After a quick goodbye and a kiss on the forehead, she looked up then went on playing with the other kids on the water table. That’s it? She cried, of course (for a minute or so according to her teachers) but when I picked her up in the afternoon, she was happily “chatting” with another girl in her group. I looked at her for a few seconds, not wanting to interrupt the awfully cute scene that reminded me of a younger version of 90210.

Are we doing the right thing?

I honestly don’t know. But I guess that’s the beauty of parenting – there’s no right answer, no correct decision, no perfect strategy. Just gut feel and love.

If you are planning to have your children start school soon, here are some tips that helped us during the transition period. Who knows, it could work for you too.

Check out this post: Six Easy Ways to Ease Your Child’s Anxiety

First time parents including myself tend to overdo a lot of things. We’ve been “taught” by other parents, relatives and friends to constantly give words of praise to our children. But can praising be bad for our children too?

Yes, if done incorrectly.

Here are some things you might want to think of  before eagerly expressing your approval to your little one:

1. Never hype it up.

Overpraising (applause, loud verbal praising) might work for young toddlers (12 months to 18 months) but not for older toddlers. Older children (3 years onwards) might even feel ridiculed if parents make such a big deal out of everything they do.

Now that Phoebe is almost 2, I noticed that she appreciates other gestures more – receiving stickers, getting a hand stamp or just a simple nod and smile. Too much hype on praising could result with your child not trusting compliments or needing constant acknowledgment to feel happy and self worthy.

2. Be specific

Focus on what your child has accomplished – “Thanks for cleaning up your toys, that was very nice of you!” instead of just saying “You are the best!”. The first one emphasized the behavior you liked. The second one is just too vague and if repeated frequently, it might lose its impact on the child.

3. Acknowledge every effort

Our children need to feel that although they don’t get the result they wanted right away, their efforts are being appreciated. Phoebe is still having a hard time fitting puzzle pieces into the puzzle board. To encourage her, I would always say, “Good try, finding the “M” in the puzzle! That was very clever!”. It seems to be working. She would look at me with proud eyes and move on to the next letter.

4. Never give praise then take it back

“It’s good that you picked up the puzzle pieces. But you should have done that earlier so you could go to bed on time!” This kind of acknowledgment gives children the feeling that a “but” will always follow after each compliment. It could be hard for them to feel appreciated. They would never know if someone truly approves of their behavior.

This is not the end of the list. Again, every child is different and moms are getting more and more creative when it comes to praising their children. Share what you know and what has worked for you and your child.

How do you give compliments to your child?

A lot has been written about moms. Newspaper articles, blogs, TV shows talk about everything – from puke to poop, mommy tips, mommy confessions, mommy’s frustrations and rantings. Is it just me or are we missing something important here? How about dads? Where do they fit in the picture of parenting?

Nowhere?

Today at Phoebe’s music class, the majority of the attendees were moms. There were only two dads. One of them came in late. It was obvious that it was his first time. One of the know-it-all moms blurted out to him:

“Playing nanny today, huh?”

The blushing dad just smiled. I personally thought that the comment was offensive and uncalled for. What if this dad REALLY decided to stay at home and be a PARENT to his child? Why is it that dads are being branded as the breadwinners and moms as THE primary caregiver? And what’s with all the “Mommy and Baby” classes you can see everywhere? Mommy and Baby Yoga Class, Mommy and Baby Swimming Class? Funny how we, women, sometimes complain about being discriminated here and there when it is actually the other way around (when it comes to parenting at least).

Thinking that only moms are involved in children’s life is insulting. Of course, dads might show less interest in how many times their babies pooped in one day. They might not know by heart when and where their babies first clapped, yawned or held their head high. But it doesn’t mean they care less than we do.

There are the exceptions, of course – I’ve heard of dads who just don’t seem interested in anything aside from work and career. They think they’re failing their family if they don’t provide enough. There’s too much load and too much pressure. But who’s to blame when dads think this way?

We are.

We sometimes let them think that they are second class parents – incapable of changing a poopy diaper or dressing our children in “matching” clothes. We, moms, make the hell out of them when they forget to put butt cream or dress our little one with a yellow top and red pants. We assume they’re not interested and exclude them in our “mommy and baby” activities.

I might not (always) admit it openly but I know that my husband has better parenting skills than I do. They come in naturally – not from any parenting magazines, books or mommy blogs. He has the patience of a monk and the energy of a marathon runner. No complaints, episodes of self-pity or frustration. When he comes home from a long day at work, he’d change in his “Daddy clothes” and start chasing Phoebe around the house – always full of energy, as if he had never been at work.

When I am at a playground and meet other moms, the usual conversation starter would be: “How old is your child?”. Then, we, moms start to silently compare their kids with our own.

Oh, your kid does that already? Oh, your kid is not doing this yet?

It’s always like reciting a chart of your child’s milestones and justifying all the delays. It is unnerving and annoying. Because of this, sometimes, first-time-mommy-playground-goers never come back (and I was no exception).

Dads NEVER do this.

If something’s not going well with their child – they admit it right away, no excuses, no pretenses. If something’s bothering them about their child, they SAY it and not judge themselves for not being the perfect parent. If their child’s sick, they don’t rush to the ER right away. They breathe. They don’t hyperventilate just because their child has a runny nose and a fever. They think – rationally.

Patience, rational thinking, understanding and love – what else can a parent give to their child? Moms have a lot to learn from dads. And I feel sorry for those fathers who do not get the credits and respect they deserve.

Don’t get me wrong, parenting should never be seen as a competition between moms and dads. But if it were – we, moms could be more compelled to lose.

Having kids is expensive. As  a Stay at Home Mom, there were a lot of times where I wished I could make my own monetary contribution. It pays out to be a bit creative. In these series of posts, I’d like to share some of my ideas on how to stretch your budget and maximize the use of what you already got.

Fact is, we do not always have to opt to use all the fancy tools available in the market. If you read on, you’ll be amazed with the the things you can do with your everyday items.

What are the advantages?

You’d reduce the use of harsh chemicals in your home and the items cost much less. Besides, recycling can never be bad for the environment.

Here are a few examples:

Baby Powder

• Eliminate oil stains from clothing (Using a powder puff, dabb the stain with baby powder, rub it then remove the excess powder. Then repeat if necessary.) 

• Removal of molds from books (Let the books air-dry, sprinkle some baby powder and let them stand upright for at least 24 hours then brush off any excess powder.)

• Bed sheets cooler (Try sprinkling baby powder on your sheets before hopping in bed.)

• Playing cards cleaner (Put the cards inside a plastic bag, sprinkle them with baby powder, then shake the bag. This will give the cards a fresh and smooth feel.)

• Damage control for sand-covered kids (Sprinkle them with baby powder then brush off the sand from their bodies)

Baby Wipes

• All-around cleaner (Wipes are the perfect travel companion. Never go on a road trip without an extra pack.)

• Bathroom quickie (Use them to wipe the bathroom surfaces then add some shine by using a dry cleaning cloth.)

• Skin soother (Because they are made for baby’s sensitive skin, they are perfect for temporarily soothing sunburnt skin.)

• Makeup remover (They come in handy especially for removing stubborn makeup like eyeliner. Definitely a better alternative than the chemicals in the usual removers.)

Baby Wipes Containers

• Storage container (We use our doubles for crayons, receipts and bills. Remove the label and decorate them with your kids to make cleanup more interesting for them.)

• Guest boxes (Place small wallet-size maps, guides, train schedules, pocket size toiletries such as shampoo, conditioner, hand sanitizer – or anything that they might need – inside the container. Again, you can either let your kids paint on them or you can wrap the lower part with a strip of nice gift wrap. You may also print out something funny like a clipart then paste it on the cover.)

• Ribbon dispenser (Remove the label, place a yarn or a gift packaging ribbon, thread it through the lid then let your kids paint on the container for a personalized look.)

• Shopping bag dispenser (A baby wipes container can hold up to 50 bags, if tightly squeezed. Place one container in the car and another in your kitchen as a reminder to reuse your shopping bags as often as possible.)

There must be a reason why the authors of the famous fairy tales (even J.K.Rowling) end up killing the mom in the story, or worse yet they don’t even bother mentioning them in the entire plot:

Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, Pocahontas, Little Mermaid, Mulan, Nemo (mom gets eaten), Bambi (mom gets shot) and now even Harry Potter. They either became orphans shortly after being born or they were taken away from their mothers.

Was it because of the cholera or plague in the old days? Childbirth perhaps? Or was it because of the rumor that Roy Disney grew up without a mom?

At first I thought it’s the risk factor. If there were moms in these stories, the authors would have a hard time making their characters run off with the first prince they see, face the all-time dark wizard or give up their voice in exchange for legs. Cinderella would not have worn rags or talked to mice and birds and Belle would not have lived with the Beast in exchange for her dad’s life. Their moms would have simply said NO. Period. End of story.

The stories would have been a complete bore. No action. No twists. All because there’s a mom in the picture.

On the other hand, Harry wouldn’t be THE hero in the wizard world, Cinderella and Snow White would not have met their princes and the Little Mermaid would still have a tail!

What are these stories suggesting? That children are better off without their moms?

I hope not.

Then I realized it could also be the vulnerability factor. The authors need to break the protective walls of these characters to give the villains the chance to perform their evil deeds. If there were a mom, there wouldn’t be the wicked stepmom that made life harder for Cinderella and even tried to kill Snow White twice. Our favorite princesses would have all led happy lives right from the start. Every mom would sacrifice her own life to protect her child. And that’s the truth – even in real life. Being without a mom, these characters are being portrayed as helpless, unprotected and defenseless. Yes, moms are that important.

I’d like to believe that this is the motive why moms don’t get that much “screen” time in children’s stories.

If Phoebe would ask me the question why moms get killed in the books we read, I’d know what to say.

Photo by Kjirstin  (http://www.flickr.com/photos/kjirstinb/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Every now and then, I get comments that make me grind my teeth really hard. Here are some that made it to my list of the most inappropriate comments that should be avoided when talking to a mom:

1. “Your house is such a mess!”

Tell this to a mom of a newborn and you’ll be amazed with how fast you could cause a meltdown with merely six words.

To all expectant mothers: Limit your guests during the first weeks after the delivery to close relatives who could (and are willing to) help out. This will give you time to settle into your new routine.

To guests: Be sensitive – at all times.

2. “For heaven’s sake, give your child a bottle!”

A few weeks ago, while standing in line at a cash register in Costco, I heard one of the staff scream at a mom (carrying her baby on a sling in one hand and her toddler in the other hand while trying to get money from her purse) because her little baby has been crying non-stop for (maybe) five minutes. The Costco employee lost it – she shouted at the mom:  “For heaven’s sake, give your child a bottle!”. I felt sorry for the mom who just looked down while gently patting her baby’s back. If I were in that mom’s shoes, I’d give the lady a fake smile while silently performing some wicked spells on her.

3. “Stop spoiling your child!”

Give this “advice” to a mom who is trying to talk to her kid in a low and calm voice during her kid’s screaming fit. If you’re lucky, you might only get a stare down but on a bad day, you could get yourself into a lot of trouble. Never get too close to a frustrated mom.

Remember that different parenting strategies work for different children. The majority of parents I know (including myself) are struggling to find out the most appropriate approach for their children. Telling us how we should do it in a know-it-all tone would just make matters worse.

4. “Bad hair day, huh?”

I was in hibernation mode during Phoebe’s first year. I never left the house unless it was a matter of life and death. For me, nothing could be that important to go through the 2-hour ordeal of dressing up and preparing the diaper bag. But there are times where we really had to go out of the house. It took so much time and energy to get everything done. And the last thing on my mind was to look at myself in the mirror. So when a neighbor once asked me if  I was having a bad hair day (in her failed attempt to sound funny), I wanted to pull out every single strand of her ugly, badly colored hair (no, I’m not that bitter anymore).

5. “How far along are you?”

I don’t know how celebrities do it but I still haven’t lost my baby belly. But I do exert some effort to lose weight – I bought dumbbells, run a few minutes on the cross trainer every now and then and do some situps. But the stubborn side flaps in my tummy area would just not go away! It’s frustrating!

So if you’re not that sure if a woman is pregnant or not – don’t dare ask at all. Please. For world peace’s sake.

6. “So this is what you do the whole day?”

Every parent would know how much time and energy go into taking care of a small child. I didn’t know that I would have the drive to play tea party for hours, the enthusiasm to read “The Gingerbread Boy” at least three times a day or sing the “Wheels on the Bus” even when I’m still half asleep.

When someone asked me if all I do the whole day is take care of Phoebe, I felt insulted. But then I realized, not everyone has had the opportunity to experience the parenting challenges firsthand so I let it pass. Being a parent is like climbing Mt. Everest – you’d never know how it feels to be on top unless you go through the steep and rough road yourself.

Now I know that bad karma really exists. I used to think differently about other parents – blamed them for not raising a well-behaved child, having a cluttered house or being dressed as if they just jumped out of bed. I was insensitive and ignorant. But now I know better (I think).

Feel free to share about comments that made your blood reach its boiling point. Add to my list in the comments section below.

Photo by teotwawki http://www.flickr.com/photos/teotwawki/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0